Slowly losing Czarina

Originally published 12/25/19; updated on 7/7/2020

What can you say when you are slowly losing your rock, who has been by your side for over 11-1/2 years.

Words fail me at the moment, especially on this Christmas Day 2019, because I know that with her age and deteriorating condition, it will be her last, unless the good Lord intervenes.

She came into my life as a puppy of nine weeks. After I brought her home and introductions to my Bostons, Chipper and Spunky were safely made, I put her behind a baby gate to keep her safe, and went upstairs. While changing clothes, I glanced down, and whoa! Who was sitting there looking up at me, just exactly as in the photo at the left, but baby Czarina. Somehow she managed to climb over the baby gate, and climbed up a flight of stairs to find me and be with me. At that moment, it hit me how incredibly special she was, as though she were saying, “I will always be at your side.”

I had no previous experience with the German Shepherd breed, having grown up with a Boston Terrier, and then after moving into a new home, acquired two more. One was not enough, and my mother, who was living with me at the time loved their company. But after my mother passed away, I decided to get a large dog while I was still able to handle one and afford to keep it.

Hence Czarina entered my life, and shortly after, I added a second German Shepherd puppy, Olympia, who also is still with me, and is five months younger than Czarina. I was warned by several people, including Shepherd breeders, not to get two females, because they wouldn’t get along. Proved them wrong I did; the girls remain inseparable.

But I digress, Czarina is now my problem child. Years ago, when taking her to the vet for her wellness exam, x-rays were taken and it was discovered she had spinal issues. I took her to the neurologist, and after an exam and MRI, she was diagnosed with intervertebral disc disease. But unlike Olympia, who underwent a successful operation for the same issue, luck was not with Czarina. Her condition was inoperable and her prognosis was that she would continue to slowly deteriorate. Her condition was further exacerbated by arthritis in her upper front leg joints.

It wasn’t until this year that I noticed the deterioration had accelerated. It began with an ear hematoma, that after numerous vet visits and topical creams left my proud girl with a crinkled ear. Now, Czarina can’t feel her hind paws anymore, and the spinal condition is slowly working its way throughout her back legs where at times, she’s unable to stand. What makes all this so difficult is that Czarina is fully alert, clear eyes, good appetite, still interested in her ball and laying outside on the deck.

Czarina is on pain meds along with Proin (proh-in) which controls incontinence. Prior to its prescription, Czarina was constantly wetting herself overnight, and the ritual morning wipe-down, which I didn’t mind, was having a decided psychological effect on her. She is a very smart girl, and looking into her “I’m sorry” eyes was also taking its toll on my heart, as in breaking.

Czarina wears a full harness now, a brand called Help-Me-Up, which the neurologist at the hospital recommended. It has been a godsend. Czarina is an 85 lb dog, and that harness has helped me lift her into my Jeep, up the deck stairs, and now throughout the house. But she is one gritty, tough, determined girl. She still prefers to do things by herself, and goes down or rather semi-falls down the deck stairs, and then climbs back up. She teaches me every day what courage is.

And courage is what I’m going to need when the time comes to say goodbye. She has been at my side, as she is now as I write this, and has been a loyal protector and cherished friend. She is the foundation of my family of pups, and keeps everyone in line. She knows me better than I know myself, and has anticipated my moods and actions for as long as I’ve known her.

I’ve had three pups die in my arms; I’d have it no other way. But losing Czarina at this time of my life, when I have more years behind me than ahead, will be especially rough. I dearly love all my pups, and was closely bonded to my beloved Chipper. But Czarina is different because she’s more like me. If only I could learn to be more like her.

Update: Czarina passed in my arms in July 7, 2020, one year and three months to the day of when she was born.  She became incontinent the last four months of her life, and she needed to be bathed and cleaned every day.  I didn’t mind doing that because of the lifetime and loyalty she gave me. It was only when I realized watching her struggle to get to me from the front hallway, that I needed to let her go. She needed to die with the dignity she deserved. 

I was with her as vet prepped her for the injection and then held her as it was given. Mine was the last voice she heard.